I don't really do this whole "xanga" thing much any more. Not because I don't want to or don't think about doing it, I suppose I'm just too busy doing life now. A lot of things have changed in my life since xanga was a priority of mine, and while I'm surely not missed on here by many people (if any -- I never was what one might call a "xangalebrity"), I feel a kind of guilt for abandoning those who DID care. A lot of what has gotten me to this point -- even having a life to "do" -- can and should be credited to many of the kind souls that make up this amazing internet community. Thank you for being there. Thank you for listening. Thank you for advising. Thank you for being you.
As most of you know, my mom passed away very unexpectedly last April. She struggled with a prescription drug addiction for as long as I can remember, and at age 48, she lied down for a nap and simply did not wake up again. Her passing turned my world upside down. At the time of her death, we were not even speaking. We always had a very close relationship, but we happened to get into a disagreement a month or so prior, and I suppose that we both assumed we had all the time in the world to make nice eventually. I've been struggling through all of the typical steps of grief...disbelief, guilt, anger, depression...but now, well...I am "okay." I miss her each and every day, but one divine "thing" that has gotten me through this entire mess has been reevaluating my relationship (or lack thereof) with God. I'm not going to get all preachy on you, but I have to share something amazing with you. And that isn't a trick to keep you reading...if you stop here, no worries on my part...if you keep reading, well...I think you will come out feeling pretty inspired. Not by me, but of the power of just listening.
I've always been skeptical, mostly believing (if you could call it that) in God because that is how I was raised and what I just felt was the "right" thing to do. Or at least say I did. I never truly understood the depths of God's love for us and even though I was "saved" as a young child and DID have that child-like faith, I don't believe that I ever really FELT God's presence in my life as I do now. The past few weeks have been amazing for me, this weekend in particular the most eye-opening experience of my life. We had a conference at the church that I just started attending a few months ago, and it was about sharing your faith in a natural way. Now...faith has always been a difficult thing for me. As I mentioned before, I've always been a skeptic. It's difficult for me to believe in something that I can't see. It apparently just so happens that I didn't have my eyes open quite wide enough. Or perhaps I wasn't looking in the right places. Maybe I was even just afraid to acknowledge what I was seeing. Everything changed this weekend. I SAW the work of God with my own eyes. Skeptical? Ready to write me off as a crazy? Allow me to explain.
There is a book called The Ultimate Treasure Hunt, written by Kevin Dedmon. Our conference was loosely based on this book, which happened to be written about something that people have apparently been doing for some time. I had never even heard of such a thing, at least not in a Christ-based context. Basically, what it affirms is that you don't have to receive a special calling or go through some rigorous training to be able to put the amazing power of prayer to work. You just have to make yourself available and step outside of your comfort zone a bit...or for me, a LOT! It turned out to be a lot of fun though, people didn't think we were crazy, and we saw tears of gratitude and amazement. I am hooked.
So what the heck IS a treasure hunt, you ask? Ahh...here is the fun part! You get together with a few people (not a huge crowd, no freaking people out here) and pray. Dial down and pray for God's guidance in leading you to people that are in need. Open your heart and write down anything and everything that comes to mind for 2-3 minutes...any longer than that and you will start talking yourself out of some of the clues! You will be surprised at what you get. We prayed for guidance for locations of where to start, people's names, appearance, possible ailments, and any describing words. God will give you answers when you ask! Be prepared to receive them! Something pretty amazing happened with my daughter and I...we were no where near each other during our prayers and recording our clues, but when we compared notes (she's 9, I might add), we had several similar words, but we then realized that we both had written down "purple shoes!"
Okay. So...we chickened out when the conference dismissed for lunch. It's intimidating to just walk up to someone and ask them if they need prayer for something! But when everyone reconvened after the break, their testimonies inspired us to go out and try again. And wouldn't you know...we found someone at the mall who fit several of our clues (movies, red, glasses, Christmas, fortune...and yes! PURPLE SHOES!) and we HAD to approach her. What happened next was incredible. I simply introduced ourselves, told her that we were on a treasure hunt, showed her our list, and she was pretty surprised that she undeniably met several of them. I told her that she was apparently God's treasure for the day and that he had led us to her for some reason. She started to tear up before I even asked the question of whether she might need prayer for anything. She said that her mom (she was maybe around 16 years old) had been out of work for some time and they were about to lose their home. They were losing hope and felt like everyone had forgotten about them. What a wonderful opportunity to remind her of God's love!!! She was excited to let us quietly pray for her, and she thanked us over and over again, saying that we had really made her day.
Wow. What an amazing experience. We didn't get all "churchy" on her, didn't tell her she was a sinner and going straight to hell if she didn't repent right then and there...heck, we didn't even invite her to our church. We just opened ourselves up and LISTENED for once, and we were able to be God's hands and feet for a few minutes and give someone hope. I'm not saying this is for everyone. It was hard to work up the courage to approach someone, but it was worth getting over ourselves for a second once we watched her entire countenance change.
Faith is a word that I have no problem with now. No longer does it mean believing in something that I can't see. We saw God's work yesterday. We were THERE. We experienced His love. Amazing. Simply amazing.
There. I just had to share. I'm done now. Take care, xangaland. I'm off to browse and catch up a bit. How I've missed you!